24 September 2016
Some people see me live my life as if I've got all my shit all worked out, but sadly that's not the case. I choose what I want people to see me as, however there is more to the madness. What you see is not what I see, I just let you think is what you see is what I see. Lost?
Masking.
I'm sure many people can relate to me on this superficial level of acceptance. We want to belong and be part of something, we want to be acknowledged, we want to be accepted. Yes? So we identify what are the characteristic of being a norm and you just layer yourself with all that jazz and you hypnotize yourself into thinking that that is who you are. Pathetic but its the truth.
Honestly, I've been doing this shit since the tender age of 5. I should be awarded 红心大奖 or something. I mean to keep this act up and fool everyone around you takes a lot of discipline, resilience, time and skills. Constantly adding characteristics of physical and mental attributes to be that perfect someone. I've built this skin so thick and to be told to strip it off and to be true to myself, its not easy. Its like throwing raw self into a den full of lions. To be at a disadvantage on a personal level is not where i want to be.
I don't even know myself at this point. Quater-Life-Crisis. I'm so messed up.
Insecurities. Uncertainties. Self Esteem. Identity.
All these small little insignificance do add up to this huge black ball that no matter how hard you try to subside it, its never going away. Its like your shadow, it will follow you everywhere. The only way to make it disappear is to submerge yourself into darkness. Be one with the darkness. Yet at the same time trying to juggle the things that matters in life like education, money, friends and loved ones.
Like are you fucking kidding me? I'm dying on the inside. Exhausted.
Who am I kidding. I'm trying not to shot myself.
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